look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
