Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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