I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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