i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
