Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
