Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
