I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
