so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize