Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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