I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize