Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
