I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
