i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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