dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
