I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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