Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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