Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
