fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
