the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
