Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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