GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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