When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
