I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
