Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
