It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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