I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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