I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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