he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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