the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
