words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
