So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
