No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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