This gyro tastes like lonliness
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
