I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
