all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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