also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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