Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
