I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
two words: eviction party
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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