I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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