1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
