sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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