I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
