remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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