This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
