I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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