Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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