i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize