At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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