the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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