he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
