I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
