cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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