The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
