If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
drinking out of a sandbucket again
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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