dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
