Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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