U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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