whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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