i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
