can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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