Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
