Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
